I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
