Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
