Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
