and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize