I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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