I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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