I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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