pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
