Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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