just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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