I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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