I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
