I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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