Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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