I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize