i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
