I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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