I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
