Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize