i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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