M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize