My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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