i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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