Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize