I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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