how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
