Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
