Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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