Betty ford says i'm here all night
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize