Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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