i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
