Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
