great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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