1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
