Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize