Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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