i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
