Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
