so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
