I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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