She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
