Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
