I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
