I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
