oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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