Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
