Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
