She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
