When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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