So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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