My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
