At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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