I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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