When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
