There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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