remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
