I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
